Monday, March 30, 2009

danger! danger! high voltage!

It snowed last night and I saw two black boys in the street, sword fighting with broomsticks.

My boat is too still. I better safe my strength because I'm going to tip it over.

Cigarettes are going up one whole dollar and yet, I can't find the desire to quit. But I probably will. I'm a quitter.

I find it amusing when people get upset over the smallest most insignificant things. It makes me smile. I have nothing to be angry about. Perhaps I can be upset at making a few bad choices, but surely everyone is guilty of this. I have very little license to complain about my mistakes.

I eat far too much apple pie. I think it keeps me alive.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

We've been had.

It's been a rough couple of days. Did I have the power to alter the outcomes that have been so graciously handed to me? Possibly. I'm not sure what I could have done differently, but I bet there was something. I'm not going to beat myself up about it, though. I've got enough healing to do as it is.

I think people can see my transgression and it ties my stomach into knots. I can't seem to shake my desire to vomit. And I can't seem to find the energy to be angry. I just am not that person.

At least I have a sense of humor about things. I've spent the past few days with friends, laughing hysterically to the point of tears. Case and point:

Ashlee: "God, I feel like shit. Today sucks.
Me: "Well, at least you didn't, like, get raped.
Ashlee: "Well, at least you got some!"

Me: "Dude, how do you expect me to get off if you're playing fucking Rockem Sockem Robots with my vagina?"

I'm attending a live sporting event today. I don't understand the object of the game or why it's being played, but I'll cheer the best I can.

You're recycling lines. I thought you were better than that.

Friday, March 27, 2009

96,000 miles & the starlings are mating.

"God doesn't always have the best Goddamn plans, does he?"

I refuse to retract the things I have said in the past few days, but I would be stupid to not acknowledge that I might have been wrong about a few things. But just a few.
Dry spells are underrated. People are reckless. Things that come unexpectedly are not always enjoyable. And even though I can tend to my temple the best I can, I can't keep others from defacing it.

I spent my evening moaning uncontrollably into a unforgiving neck. Judas and Jesus were singing at each other as I was overcome with physical pain and confusion. It was sacrilegious and sad. It was violent in nature. When I saw the blood stained cotton I realized that, although not entirely, I had lost a fragment of innocence that I had been clinging to. It was a truly tragic sight. I remember saying, "Well, I'm just not that type of girl." Which was responded with, "Why not?" This was far from an ideal situation and in all honesty was rather frightening. But I did nothing wrong. I am not at fault.

When I woke up this morning the first thing I did was hug my parents. They hugged back. It felt good to feel safe, even if it was just for a moment.

But no worries. I'm not going to let the world make me ugly and I'm not going to settle for second best. I've come too far to let misfortune bring me to my knees. I can stand, but it hurts to walk.

Jesus Christ Superstar is a stupid fucking movie.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

"I'll start building the boat."

Although things have been rather rough the past few weeks, I am finally starting to see how and why things come together the way they do. And even though the end result is not always to my pleasing, I am happy to have had an experience, no matter the outcome.

I decided to start taking care of my temple. When I say temple, I mean body. I've quit soda and caffeine cold turkey. And I am no longer eating red meat. Only birds and fish. Yes, I still smoke. But I started wearing my seat belt thanks to a dear friend. I came to realize that if I go on, treating myself as though I am disposable then not only will that allow other people to want to treat me the same, but I won't live very long. I know, I know. I'm twenty years old. I've just been spending a lot of time putting shit into perspective.

My laugh makes me laugh sometimes.

I forget how confusing naps are. I never remember where I am, what time it is, what DAY it is. And I always drool. Naps and I were, at one time, realllllly close. Like, on the verge of "third base" close. But I realized that they've never really made me happy. It's funny how that happens. You trick yourself into thinking something or someone makes you happy. And yes, I am speaking in a convoluted metaphor. I no longer have the use for brief periods of sleep. They just aren't satisfying. Never were.

Breaking a dry spell is so fucking liberating.

It is also mildly liberating to spend time with people who are not reckless and careless.

I like when things happen unexpectedly. I like being caught off guard once and a while.

I have the next four days free of any responsibility and I could not be happier.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

"I'm just going to go eat a sandwich in my car."

Yesterday started out overcast. But the sun came out, eventually.

The boy in the purple pants at the record store stumbled with my change. The little blond girl holding a copy of "The Wizard of Oz" on vhs made me smile. My dad bought me a mood ring and a book for my thoughts. I learned that putting my car in neutral is a good idea. Being social can be as simple as sitting in a crowded place with a good friend. Knowing people is nice. Knowing people are there for you is even nicer. Blending in isn't as overrated as I thought. Watching lovers argue is painful. Watching lovers argue makes me want a lover to argue with. It is in dim lighting and smokey air that you truly know who a person is. Safe usually means sorry. We drove past Chicago street and I nearly lost my breath. She was speechless and thinks you're a coward. Simplicity is better. Sitting at bars while bartenders look at you, trying to figure out your birthday and not saying a word is mildly empowering. Tipsy thoughts are clearer and more potent than drunken ones. Choking on a sandwich in a car is a funny thing.

It looks like the clouds are coming back. Looks like I've gotta go scare them away.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Not on Main Street.

"My arms are not ashtrays."

My life is different. I felt the change upon waking yesterday. I'm not sure I know what it is but I sure know why it occurred. I am thankful for this chance to change. So, thank you.

After a very productive work day, I showered and almost slipped and crashed through the glass door. It's a funny feeling in the pit of your stomach when you think you might get hurt and there's nothing you can do to prevent it from happening. But I caught my balance. I'm always catching my balance.

I spent the day with the girl I've known for 16 years. I've considered her my best friend for all 16 of those years. I'm pretty sure I pissed myself out of uncontrollable laughter. This is not a rare occurrence when we are together. It is to be expected. Lets just say our late night conversation involved scramble-egging someones car while both drunk and naked (and then disappearing into the night with a pack of wolves.) Not funny to you, I'm sure. You, um, you had to be there.

What are taxi's doing in the suburbs?

I'm going to Chicago soon. I've come to realize that modeling disgusts me. 26 inches is too big, apparently. I hate so say that I'm working on it, but I am working on it.

New music (well, to me anyway) is changing everything (well, today anyway)

I noticed I roll through stop signs, and depending on the time and area, I ignore them completely. I don't know what to do. I think, metaphorically, I need to ignore all the stop signs. What's the use in stopping?

Thursday, March 19, 2009

I slept on my grandmothers couch this morning. I had strange dreams.

My car windows are broken and my ashtray snapped.

I cleaned my car today. I was hoping to find something fantastic. I found nothing but empty cigarette packs, crumpled receipts and a mountain of empty coffee cups. Oh, and a vacuum cleaner, a painting and several blankets. There was a pile of indifference underneath my seat.

It was cold today and I loved it. It reminded me of fall.
My stomach hurts from laughing so much.
I love feeling limitless and free.

"Have you ever fucked a T-Rex?"
Yeah. That's lyrical gold.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

It's a bad man's world.

Yesterday was strange. A protest, trash on fire, the glistening lake, a good friend, a tired road, apple pie and damp eyes. I received a very subtle sign. I'm not sure I believe in signs or understand what they mean if they actually do serve a fate altering purpose, but I took it to heart. Well, whats left of it, anyway.

I almost died an estimated 17 times while driving today. This weather brings out our aggressive nature, or so it seemed today. I have also found, that contrary to what I once believed, that this weather makes people...frustrated and angry. Whereas I am completely transformed into a contagiously happy person the minute the sunshine hits my skin. Not to say I didn't breakdown today. I did. Several times. I just don't understand people. I don't think I ever will. I don't think I want to.

I am in a great deal of physical pain today. I've never felt quite this decrepit before. I feel weak and I feel old. Although my back is made of steel, I feel as though it might give way and I will be nothing but a heap of dust. I need a day to wallow. A 24 hour, wallow fest. And no. You're not fucking invited. Actually, you are formally UNinvited to everything forever. ha!

Everyone tells me that I am alllllll talk. Well, you know what? Not anymore. This weekend...I'm going to do several things I've meant to do for a very long time. Will I regret it? Most likely. But fuck it. I've got nothing to lose but time.

I bought a rap cd today for $5.
"There's a line about 27's. It's on track 10"

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Lady, don't fall backwards.

"Everything is clearly a blur of something."

Taking photos while driving (home from work at 3am) would be unwise had there been another wandering soul like me, searching for the spot where the moon meets the ground. But, alas, I was alone. With the exception of a police car here and there.

I'm tired of people patting my hand, telling me I can have the world. If that were true why I am I denied people and places and things I have deep, sincere feelings for? Over and over again. And back again. I never asked for the world. I just asked for...well, you know.

Advice is a funny thing. So is pity. Do you know how many times I've heard, "Aw, Jerilyn. You'll be okay." in the past two weeks? Many times. Well, perhaps it's not pity as much as it is certainty. Who knows.

Apologizing is a truly humbling experience. A rough one, too.

For the record, I did not (despite what people may tell you) cry while listening to "You're Not Alone" by Michael Jackson. And I certainly wasn't crying into a large pile of camisoles. And HAD I been crying I certainly wouldn't be mouthing the words to the song. No...that would be pathetic. I did, however, sing almost every "Jock Jam" on the "Jock Jams" cd. Oh, and I did slow dance with myself to a Justin Timberlake song.Nothing to be ashamed of. Right? Right! But, remember, I DID NOT CRY while listening to a MICHAEL JACKSON SONG. Pshhh. Thats not something I would do....ha.....ha.

Have you heard? Spring has sprung...and he's hung like a horse!!!!That is why I would like to announce that I plan on losing my virginity to Spring. I'm going to blow his mind (among other things.) I'm going to come IN like a lion and come OUT like a lion. Oh, Spring. I want to fuck you. Let's do this.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows.

The weekend is over and in response to its glorious departure I must say, "Yay!!!!" I cannot remember a three day period in which I was devoid of so many things. I was positive I was not going to live to see another day. But, alas, here I am, alive and well on the most beautiful day ever to exist. Granted, I am still troubled and have threatened myself with yet another breakdown of sorts. But don't you go worryin' bout me! I always pull through...because, after all, I've become completely accepting of being an afterthought. It's okay!!!!!!!!!! Reallly!!! I swear!!!

Today my grandmother turns 91! 91!!!!!!!! Can you believe it? I can't even wrap my mind around that sort of time span. I mean, 91 years of life, ya know? Amazing. She is hands down my favorite person and I don't think it's possible for me to love another human being half as much as I love her. It's probably best if you don't even try. You'll be wasting your time.

When I opened the mail box, what did I find? Well, my friend, I found my tax refund check ($312. $200 of which will be going into my soon to be re-opened savings account. woohoo!)
as well as the Polaroid film I ordered via Amazon (because apparently Polaroid film is completely obsolete.) Both of these findings are potentially life changing. But you wouldn't understand why. It's okay.

I dusted off the ol' suitcase and placed it strategically next to my bedroom door. I estimate it will take me roughly 15 minutes to pack up and leave. You can do so much in 15 minutes. Think about it.

Tomorrow is my day off. The weather is supposed to be superb. You know what that means, right? RIGHT?! I'm gonna grab my bike and ride until my legs fall off. You have know idea how long I've been waiting for this day. Too long, I tell you, TOO FUCKING LONG! I don't know where I'll ride or what I'll find but I can assure you it will be wonderful. So, so wonderful.

I started a poem today. It might be a song, actually. I can't even give you a taste, it's THAT good. You will never be able to read it or hear it. It's a secret...just like everything else.

Shhhh. Please don't tell anyone.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Rant: 1 of 250,386,789,257

So, here I am, right. Curled up peacefully in my bed, stretching in accordance to the movements in my dreams. But then the sun, the same sun that befriended me so kindly yesterday, wakes me up before my alarm. The first thing I thought of was how bitter I was about having to wake up in such a lonesome condition. The second thing I thought of was how badly I had to pee. The third thing I thought of was how sad it must be to be someone like me, someone who forgets to count her blessings and instead dwells on her "misfortunes" (I have no misfortunes. I've had a great life. I'm fucking alive.) and her inability to accept the inevitability of being alone. The fourth thought that came to mind was something about wanting that work out machine, you know, the one sold by that dude with the creepy ponytail? (I fell asleep to infomercials, or at least that's my excuse. OH! And I really want that 50's music box set sold by Bowzer from Sha Na Na)

AND ANOTHER THING, I went out with friends last night and the focus of our conversation was how to manipulate relationships and peoples perceptions in order to get your point across. Why can't people just fucking say how they feel? Why be vague and mysterious about it? Why would you purposefully confuse and potentially hurt someone you care about all because some unwritten rule in the book of "love" says you must do it in order to "win"? What's so great about winning, anyway?! Can't there be something beautiful to be said for losing once and a while? I mean, when you lose something or someone, you fight even harder. When you win, all you can do is hope to not lose.

I don't like being a third wheel.

I haven't had a period since November.

conclusion of rant.

I cleaned my room. I'm all dressed and ready to go. But instead I'm watching Rock Star with Mark Wahlberg. It's the worst movie.

Chris: Oh, maybe if I get really lucky, I'll get to grow up and listen to Air Supply and wear jack boots.
Joe: What's wrong with Air Supply?
Chris: Nothing, if you're the cop from the Village People.

(In your face ridiculous fictional movie character. In. Your. Face.)

Friday, March 13, 2009

man, was it rough.

Today was surprisingly wonderful, considering I spent my evening rethinking every little detail of my life while chain smoking and crying on my front porch. It must have been quite the sight for anyone driving by. A girl sobbing in a kimono, holding cigarettes with shaking hands. Pretty funny.But upon waking today, I felt so refreshed and rejuvenated. I found the most beautiful spot amongst a development and the mall at which I work. There I found a sunrise. I also found some happiness. I've proudly carried around all day. I'm glad I found it. I just hope someone didn't lose it. Secondhand happiness. Ha.

The sun must be exhausted for shining so much today. I wish I could tell it how much I appreciate all its hard work. I'd give it a big ol' hug if it were humanly possible.

I wrote a few lines for a few poems at work. I made up a few lines of dialogue between lovers. I had a good line about a ghost, but I forgot it. I'm always forgetting the good ones.

I paid six dollars for cigarettes today.

My bottom lip is bleeding a little.

I'm singing really loud right now. I have to stop denying that I have a deep voice. I should also accept that my voice does not even have the potential to be somewhat tolerable.

Today must be my lucky day or something like that.

I'm going to take what's rightfully mine. Thank you.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Solitaire is the only game in town.

I smell like a boy and his dog.

Last night was completely unplanned and unexpected. I spent the night in a strange bed. It was the first time I had to tell my parents that I wasn't coming home. A rite of passage of sorts. The dog was jealous and we were restless. And although I shared a bed with someone else, I never actually fell asleep. I left for work around 7:30am.
I have been awake (and wearing the same clothes) for 35 hours.

Currently I am irresponsibly denying my body of sleep. I need a shower, but am afraid that I may fall asleep and die. Actually, that wouldn't be the worst possible outcome. That's how I feel right now.

A girl I work with told me something that her grandmother told her. I quite liked it. "It's not a matter of simply living with something that makes it important, it's what you can't live without"

You know how you're usually excited and eager to see how something ends? Well, I can't say that I am. I can only imagine the disappointment that lies ahead. Cover my eyes, please. I cannot bare to look. I just know I won't survive the crash.

I never realized what a mean and shallow person I was and continue to be. I'm trying to be better. I promise.

Saturday Night Fever is a ridiculous movie.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

let's build ourselves a fire.

So here I am. Listening to "For Once in my Life" by Tony Bennett. I feel uplifted by possibility. But at the same time I'm immobilized with it. It's a funny feeling. Damn you, Bennett, DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday I decided to get my hair cut.Although many people urged me not to, I knew I must because my hair was dead. Dead, I tell you! I went to a salon with friends. I told the stylist what I wanted (convoluted celebrity comparisons) and voila! Here I am. Loving the subtle change.

The boy working at the drugstore told me that I was "ridiculously pretty." I could feel myself blush and smile simultaneously.

I'm starting to think that people are interested in certain parts of me and disregard the other parts. Why can't people like all of me? Why can't people close their eyes and still think I'm wonderful?

That last statement sounds so horribly self absorbed, but...I don't regret saying it.

I want to start a country folk band.
All of my lyrics will be about how a boy gone and did me wrong.

I had a dream that a boy wrote me a poem. It was the most beautiful poem. And then he drove me to this house by the sea that was left to him. And even though he was broke, he said he would never sell it because that was the house he wanted to start a family with me in. Once I woke up to find that the poem was not in my hand, nor was my other hand embraced in another hand, I was temporarily devastated. But then I realized that perhaps I dreamed it so I could look forward to it.

Oh, this is my favorite part.
"As long as I know I have love,
I can make it."

I'll just wait here a bit longer. But only a bit.

Monday, March 9, 2009

What I feel has come and gone before.

The sun is FINALLY shining and I promise you that I am smiling.

I am a sloppy drunk. I wasn't carded last night and I was encouraged to indulge in such a rare opportunity by everyone around me. So I did. A gin and tonic here, a martini there. I always drink to such excess that I am never able to drive myself home. Yeah. I'm that girl. I slurred my words and sprained my foot. And despite my friends countless attempts to keep my phone out of my reach, it always found it's way carelessly into my hand. When I stumbled on home, my parents put a bucket next to my bed and kept my door open. They checked on me periodically throughout the night. I'm not sure why I feel the need to push myself to such limits, but I assume it must have something to do with my desire to lose control. Perhaps it is attributed, also, to my hunger to be completely uninhibited and honest. I know now that this gets me into trouble.

I don't think what people understand about me is that I am a complete and utter runt. At first glance everything seems alright, but when they look closer they don't want me anymore. I'm the kitten huddled in the corner of the "Free Kittens" box. It's okay. I understand your reservations.

Compliments are lovely, but they sure are exhausting. I am just really tired of pretending to believe them.

I have been given a possible opportunity that could easily change my life. But I can't jinx it. It seems too good to ever be true. If this chance does flourish, then perhaps everything will fall into place.

I want to be the next Karen Carpenter.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Baby, I'm on Texas time.

Because I think that a day to day summary of my time spent in Texas would not only be exhausting, but rather mundane, I will share my silly notes I took about observations I made and thoughts I had.

Anna (flight attendant):
"We do what we have to do, honey."

All older men in Texas look like potential (and in some cases, guilty) child rapists.

"The moment I realized I was in trouble was the same moment I knew that I was safe."

Adjusting the volume, I crouched beside the clock radio, delicately turning the dial hoping to hear a whisper from home."

Texas is alone.

I heard Dolly Parton on the radio. The man conducting the interview asked her about the upkeep of her acrylic nails. She giggled and gave a southern answer.

It was either Peter Gabriel or Phil Collins. I could never tell the difference.

I walked past someone smoking a cigarette. My knees buckled and I'm pretty sure I came.

Main topic of discussion when out to "brunch" with a "mom"? Childrens food allergies.

"Although I remain untouched and oblivious to the pleasures of sex, the rapture that seizes my body at the sight (and smell-oh, the smell!) of vintage clothing and antique furniture is undoubtedly the greatest feeling I've ever known. Perhaps I don't need the companionship of a man. Maybe I just need to live in the past forever, where my future holds nothing but second chances."

Gay Asian=Gasian

The music box on the mantle plays Aidel Weiss. For some reason it reminds me of my childhood.

Is it wrong to feel flattered by middle school boys whistling at me through school bus windows?

"You'll have to identify the body. You know her tattoos better than anyone"

Who gave sixth graders that idea that they could sing Broadway show tunes?

In brief summary, I had a wonderful time. I spent my days in a mansion house surrounded by sunshine. I felt out of place, but I was warm.

Monday, March 2, 2009

I will rise up with fists

This past week has been void of both solid sleep and rational thought.

It's funny how things surprise you. It seems as though everything is constantly sneaking up behind me. Sometimes the surprises are exaggerated and enthusiastic disappointments. Other times they are gifts of happiness punctuated with endless exclamation points. I don't know what to think of the surprises this week has so generously forced upon me. All I can do is hope, upon waking, that the day will hold for me an abundance of surprise.

My biggest annoyance at the moment is the impermanence of everything. It's killing me to know that feelings and perceptions can change within minutes. Just for once, can I feel consistently happy for more than a day? And why do I have to find flaws in things/people/situations that make me happy? It's not that I don't have the hunger for change, it is simply that I don't want good things to sabotage themselves because of the temporary nature of...well, life.

I hate having to second guess things. Sincerely.

My manager confessed to me that she has had not one, but two dreams involving her and Brett Michaels. This, of course, made me burst into a fit of laughter. This is why I refuse to quit my job.

I am truly intoxicated with the definition of love and I feel as though I might vomit. I've never learned how to nurture my habits.

I'm over packing for Texas. I leave in the morning. I'm not completely prepared to feel inadequate, nor can I muster the courage to pretend to be less rough around the edges than I really am. But I am thankful for this chance. It'll be nice to not have to work. It'll be nice to see some family. It'll be nice to feel warm for a change.

I have three cigarettes. I need to smoke them wisely.