I will rise up with fists

This past week has been void of both solid sleep and rational thought.

It's funny how things surprise you. It seems as though everything is constantly sneaking up behind me. Sometimes the surprises are exaggerated and enthusiastic disappointments. Other times they are gifts of happiness punctuated with endless exclamation points. I don't know what to think of the surprises this week has so generously forced upon me. All I can do is hope, upon waking, that the day will hold for me an abundance of surprise.

My biggest annoyance at the moment is the impermanence of everything. It's killing me to know that feelings and perceptions can change within minutes. Just for once, can I feel consistently happy for more than a day? And why do I have to find flaws in things/people/situations that make me happy? It's not that I don't have the hunger for change, it is simply that I don't want good things to sabotage themselves because of the temporary nature of...well, life.

I hate having to second guess things. Sincerely.

My manager confessed to me that she has had not one, but two dreams involving her and Brett Michaels. This, of course, made me burst into a fit of laughter. This is why I refuse to quit my job.

I am truly intoxicated with the definition of love and I feel as though I might vomit. I've never learned how to nurture my habits.

I'm over packing for Texas. I leave in the morning. I'm not completely prepared to feel inadequate, nor can I muster the courage to pretend to be less rough around the edges than I really am. But I am thankful for this chance. It'll be nice to not have to work. It'll be nice to see some family. It'll be nice to feel warm for a change.

I have three cigarettes. I need to smoke them wisely.