"if you see a shadow, there's something there"

It really is a small world after all.

The past few days have been spent chasing shadows and the light in between. It's been a struggle finding comfort in the dark, illuminating my apathy with street lamps and morning sun, but I've managed to find temporary solace in the place where both worlds collide. Not only am I having a difficult time telling the difference between hunger and appetite, I can't figure out if this is what I want. Everyone is telling me that I'm going places and that what I have comes naturally to me. But when I'm in front of the camera my mind is turned off. It's the only time in my day where my mind is blank. Perhaps I'm confusing apathy with freedom. I don't know.

Wizard of Oz torrential downpour, zipper shaped lightning, clean air, flat tires, immediate breaking, sweating through cotton, hairspray in mass quantities, yellow eyes and nude lips, not wearing undergarments, constellations of bug bites, ivory skin tarnished with sun, sandy knees, blank stares, fitting in, not fitting in, words of praise, honoring a king and an angel, "put your chin down", Detroit U-turns, screaming "I'll find it myself", quitting, the boy in the fitting room, faded reds, dirty dishes, pointless arguments, a productive carousel ride, "the friend zone", wind blown cigarettes, traffic jams, flooded highways, threatening headlights, having an audience, changing behind sheets in hot cars, wading, waiting, shopping in the dark, twin bed secrets, chipmunks, starving, wedding talk, awkward admissions and a song about unicorns.


While at the beach, we noticed a lifeless mass of white floating, atrophied in the water. Looking to the shore, we see a swan standing, watching the white mass float back and forth. We concluded that it was the deceased mate of the swan on the shore. She stretched her wings, bending them inward and outward as if to acknowledge us. We stood in silence. The swan, who we thought was in mourning, entered the water slowly, making its way up to the other. She approached him, still lifeless. And as if by some strange miracle, the once lifeless swan lifts its head from the water to greet his other. We cheered and wiped the stubborn tears from our eyes. It's funny. Life is always taking me by surprise. And sometimes, hope surprises you in the form of a white swan who simply was much too tired to greet a trio hopeless wanderers.

When I'm 40 years old, someone is going to nonchalantly offer me an unwanted ticket to the ballet. When I seat myself and the show begins I know that I will look back and wonder how it is I denied myself of one of my most persistent and potent dreams. Everyday while doing the dishes, I lift my leg straight and horizontal, toes pointed east and west. When I stand, I'm always in third position. I know that I am clumsy and I was born with very little grace, but for some reason I think it would make me happy; dancing on my tip toes, spinning around and around, arms out like wings, legs parallel to the ground.

Do you feel fireworks?