"I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose"

I finally saw fireworks. The best kind. The ones that take you by surprise. Falling embers, falling stars. Taking cover from man made meteor showers. As fantastical as they were in the sky, it was their reflections on the water that I found to be most magical. Dreamlike, yet tangible.

The past few days I've been forced to face music that I've been more than reluctant to listen to. But I'm taking it all to heart. Although the aforementioned heart is confounded and weak, it is feeding on the brutal honesty of this chorus; learning from these scattered instrumental interludes. I think I have become better suited to keep rhythm. Well, at least a beat or two.

I initially traveled north to find peace and quiet. I would have settled for one or the other, really. But the noise found its way to me somehow. Paradoxically, the noise was not music.
It was steady and constant. It was foreign to me then, but now has become a vivid part of my presence. The fresh air, which usually inspires me, left me lethargic and heavy.

I miss very much the land where feet are stained with earth and where people paint their houses whatever colors they like.

I befriended a dog and smoked too many cigarettes. I told her the saddest story I knew. She told me even when I'm happy I'm sad. She wants me to find the missing piece. I asked her where I should look. She didn't know.

I've been frequenting a different area with a new group of people. I'm surprised they let me in, seeing that I am much younger and have retained all those annoying, youthful qualities. But I enjoy the change of pace. I enjoy their company. With them, my laughter is never forced.

While downtown, standing amongst a sea of the same, I felt my progress dissolve. Those lousy two steps that took me forever to take, faded to nothing as I quickly moved 10 miles back. So, I am back at square one. You have to start somewhere, right? Right. The car ride home was particularly painful. It was 4:30am. I was on empty in more ways than one. As I was coming undone, it all came together. I refused sleep, but sleep won.

I wrote it down and put in the fire.

People are most vulnerable when they're at their happiest.

I've never feared ghosts until now.

Yesterday, upon my return, things began to unravel as I knew they would. She wants to give up on us. Kind and unexpected inbox confusion. Police have too much power. The girl's moving out and moving on. There's not much I can do. I can fight, but what's the use?

My mother called me fat.

I better start looking for the missing piece.
But where do I start?