danger! danger! high voltage!

It snowed last night and I saw two black boys in the street, sword fighting with broomsticks.

My boat is too still. I better safe my strength because I'm going to tip it over.

Cigarettes are going up one whole dollar and yet, I can't find the desire to quit. But I probably will. I'm a quitter.

I find it amusing when people get upset over the smallest most insignificant things. It makes me smile. I have nothing to be angry about. Perhaps I can be upset at making a few bad choices, but surely everyone is guilty of this. I have very little license to complain about my mistakes.

I eat far too much apple pie. I think it keeps me alive.

We've been had.

It's been a rough couple of days. Did I have the power to alter the outcomes that have been so graciously handed to me? Possibly. I'm not sure what I could have done differently, but I bet there was something. I'm not going to beat myself up about it, though. I've got enough healing to do as it is.

I think people can see my transgression and it ties my stomach into knots. I can't seem to shake my desire to vomit. And I can't seem to find the energy to be angry. I just am not that person.

At least I have a sense of humor about things. I've spent the past few days with friends, laughing hysterically to the point of tears. Case and point:

Ashlee: "God, I feel like shit. Today sucks.
Me: "Well, at least you didn't, like, get raped.
Ashlee: "Well, at least you got some!"

Me: "Dude, how do you expect me to get off if you're playing fucking Rockem Sockem Robots with my vagina?"

I'm attending a live sporting event today. I don't understand the object of the game or why it's being played, but I'll cheer the best I can.




You're recycling lines. I thought you were better than that.

96,000 miles & the starlings are mating.

"God doesn't always have the best Goddamn plans, does he?"

I refuse to retract the things I have said in the past few days, but I would be stupid to not acknowledge that I might have been wrong about a few things. But just a few.
Dry spells are underrated. People are reckless. Things that come unexpectedly are not always enjoyable. And even though I can tend to my temple the best I can, I can't keep others from defacing it.

I spent my evening moaning uncontrollably into a unforgiving neck. Judas and Jesus were singing at each other as I was overcome with physical pain and confusion. It was sacrilegious and sad. It was violent in nature. When I saw the blood stained cotton I realized that, although not entirely, I had lost a fragment of innocence that I had been clinging to. It was a truly tragic sight. I remember saying, "Well, I'm just not that type of girl." Which was responded with, "Why not?" This was far from an ideal situation and in all honesty was rather frightening. But I did nothing wrong. I am not at fault.

When I woke up this morning the first thing I did was hug my parents. They hugged back. It felt good to feel safe, even if it was just for a moment.

But no worries. I'm not going to let the world make me ugly and I'm not going to settle for second best. I've come too far to let misfortune bring me to my knees. I can stand, but it hurts to walk.

Jesus Christ Superstar is a stupid fucking movie.

"I'll start building the boat."

Although things have been rather rough the past few weeks, I am finally starting to see how and why things come together the way they do. And even though the end result is not always to my pleasing, I am happy to have had an experience, no matter the outcome.

I decided to start taking care of my temple. When I say temple, I mean body. I've quit soda and caffeine cold turkey. And I am no longer eating red meat. Only birds and fish. Yes, I still smoke. But I started wearing my seat belt thanks to a dear friend. I came to realize that if I go on, treating myself as though I am disposable then not only will that allow other people to want to treat me the same, but I won't live very long. I know, I know. I'm twenty years old. I've just been spending a lot of time putting shit into perspective.

My laugh makes me laugh sometimes.

I forget how confusing naps are. I never remember where I am, what time it is, what DAY it is. And I always drool. Naps and I were, at one time, realllllly close. Like, on the verge of "third base" close. But I realized that they've never really made me happy. It's funny how that happens. You trick yourself into thinking something or someone makes you happy. And yes, I am speaking in a convoluted metaphor. I no longer have the use for brief periods of sleep. They just aren't satisfying. Never were.

Breaking a dry spell is so fucking liberating.

It is also mildly liberating to spend time with people who are not reckless and careless.

I like when things happen unexpectedly. I like being caught off guard once and a while.

I have the next four days free of any responsibility and I could not be happier.

"I'm just going to go eat a sandwich in my car."

Yesterday started out overcast. But the sun came out, eventually.

The boy in the purple pants at the record store stumbled with my change. The little blond girl holding a copy of "The Wizard of Oz" on vhs made me smile. My dad bought me a mood ring and a book for my thoughts. I learned that putting my car in neutral is a good idea. Being social can be as simple as sitting in a crowded place with a good friend. Knowing people is nice. Knowing people are there for you is even nicer. Blending in isn't as overrated as I thought. Watching lovers argue is painful. Watching lovers argue makes me want a lover to argue with. It is in dim lighting and smokey air that you truly know who a person is. Safe usually means sorry. We drove past Chicago street and I nearly lost my breath. She was speechless and thinks you're a coward. Simplicity is better. Sitting at bars while bartenders look at you, trying to figure out your birthday and not saying a word is mildly empowering. Tipsy thoughts are clearer and more potent than drunken ones. Choking on a sandwich in a car is a funny thing.

It looks like the clouds are coming back. Looks like I've gotta go scare them away.

Not on Main Street.

"My arms are not ashtrays."

My life is different. I felt the change upon waking yesterday. I'm not sure I know what it is but I sure know why it occurred. I am thankful for this chance to change. So, thank you.

After a very productive work day, I showered and almost slipped and crashed through the glass door. It's a funny feeling in the pit of your stomach when you think you might get hurt and there's nothing you can do to prevent it from happening. But I caught my balance. I'm always catching my balance.

I spent the day with the girl I've known for 16 years. I've considered her my best friend for all 16 of those years. I'm pretty sure I pissed myself out of uncontrollable laughter. This is not a rare occurrence when we are together. It is to be expected. Lets just say our late night conversation involved scramble-egging someones car while both drunk and naked (and then disappearing into the night with a pack of wolves.) Not funny to you, I'm sure. You, um, you had to be there.

What are taxi's doing in the suburbs?

I'm going to Chicago soon. I've come to realize that modeling disgusts me. 26 inches is too big, apparently. I hate so say that I'm working on it, but I am working on it.

New music (well, to me anyway) is changing everything (well, today anyway)

I noticed I roll through stop signs, and depending on the time and area, I ignore them completely. I don't know what to do. I think, metaphorically, I need to ignore all the stop signs. What's the use in stopping?

I slept on my grandmothers couch this morning. I had strange dreams.

My car windows are broken and my ashtray snapped.

I cleaned my car today. I was hoping to find something fantastic. I found nothing but empty cigarette packs, crumpled receipts and a mountain of empty coffee cups. Oh, and a vacuum cleaner, a painting and several blankets. There was a pile of indifference underneath my seat.

It was cold today and I loved it. It reminded me of fall.
My stomach hurts from laughing so much.
I love feeling limitless and free.

"Have you ever fucked a T-Rex?"
Yeah. That's lyrical gold.