too legit to quit.

I went to Linda's last night with some friends/acquaintances.
We were there for hours. I had a discussion with a philosophy major.
We came to the conclusion that I am sexually repressed.
I cannot express the relief that came with realizing a term for this...hopeless condition.

In addition to last nights riveting conversations, we were subjected to countless jokes about pedophilia, all of which were hysterical.

(I realize that talking about my sexual repression and then praising pedophilia jokes you could easily misjudge my character. Which, in all honesty, I can not blame you for)

Last night I finally was faced with the fact that I am not, in any way, intellectual.

I have many different voices and I can't look people in the eyes.
I am severely repressed.

I am young, but not for long

My step mother: You know, he's not a kid anymore, partying at Club 52.
Me: You mean, Studio 54?
My step mother: Yeah, whatever.

I feel like I'm on autopilot, running on empty.

I am convinced that the guy at my gas station
(the one I frequent almost daily. they all call me "red".)
is completely in love with me.
But he would never suggest anything.
It's all sort of sad, in a way.

One of my managers said I would love L.A.
This both offends and fascinates me.

My other manager says I'm a hippie.

I don't know where I belong or what I am,
but maybe someone else knows what I don't.

I've been slaving away on my ink drawings.
Granted, they are just lines, upon lines, within lines.
But I'm so happy when I'm drawing them.
Everything is linear even when it's not.

It's funny how situations and feelings erase themselves.
Everything is at the start...again.

I hate seeing people heartbroken.
It is completely disheartening.

A flamboyant employee of the Salvation Army told me my red hair is beautiful and that I could be, without a doubt, a fabulous model. If anything, his sincerity was admirable.

I listen to '50's love songs.

I am not a pessimist.

I just want to be happy and free.

My peace of mind was disrupted by a momentary reminder.
My heart revisited a panicked pace.
I fell asleep draped in impermanent moonlight.

My stepmother: You should start wearing make-up again.
Me: Why?
My stepmother: Because you're prettier with it.


Sleep is the only thing I truly enjoy these days.
Sleeping past the double digits of the am into the single digits of the pm is so comforting.

Sonic was totally worth the wait.
I went again last night with kelly.
It was happiest I have felt in a long time.
Popcorn chicken?
Hell yes.

I met Alicia and Nick for lunch yesterday.
I knew things would resume just as they were a few months ago.
It remains to be a sore spot.

I think I'm moving to Seattle.

four kicks.

I think I love my simple, solitary life.

I am home alone, listening to The Grateful Dead, gathering quarters for the manual car wash,
contemplating a $10 hair cut, thinking only of the choices I will soon have to make.

I have six days off of work. I'm not sure I'll be able to love my solitary life as I do right now.
I doubt I'll remain content with my restless mind for six whole days. But I'll make the best of it.
If I had more money, I would go to Chicago or New York for a few days. But it looks as though Michigan is all I've got. For now, anyway.

Things are moving in a strange rotation.

I find that people have been feeling noticeably more sorry for me lately.

I can't wait for the day when I can say "we" and "us"


A Sonic just opened ten minutes from my house.
It had an 1 hour 45 minute wait.
I went to Burger King instead.
The space between my thighs is the best cup holder.

aha shake heartbreak

The long awaited new year has come to stay.
Well, for now anyway.

I did not welcome 2009 in the way I had wanted to.
There I was, standing amongst a group of intoxicated strangers (myself very heavily included),
being sprayed with champagne, counting down to a new beginning. It was a tragic way to spend a new years eve. I'm sure that if people would have seen me,carelessly emptying beer bottles into my mouth preparing to empty another, plopping down on dirty couches to talk to uninterested strangers, falling on my knees in attempt to have someone light a cigarette and pretending I had a gun during Paper Planes and shooting, missing every single target, people would surely feel sorry for this inebriated, sloppy girl.

Little did I know that when we left the fraternity, the remains of the day were to hold
nothing but headaches and vomiting....lots of vomiting. By the time we left and settled into our designated sleeping spots, I had 3 hours until I had to be awake and to work. I did not think twice of how I would feel, only of how tired I would surely be.

I went to work after sitting in the parking lot for 20 minutes, delicately sipping McDonalds orange juice while inhaling a egg McMuffin. This would be all I would eat the entire day.
Once I got into work, I joked about my night and about being completely hungover without sleep. My oldest manager (I call her grandma behind her back) did not approve of my war story.
And when I jokingly said that my life was nothing but a long series of mistakes, she found this to be sad. Because apparently she didn't see the humor in my self-deprecation.
Fast forward to my 30 minute break where I spent almost the entire 30 minutes vomiting into
the work toilet. I'm pretty sure I vomited out of my nose, which left the scent of vomit lingering with me the entire day, which in turn made me want to vomit more. So I did.
The greatest part of the day was knowing that I did absolutely nothing and got paid time and a half. That's what you get, job! You drive a girl to drink, you get what you ask for!!!!

When I came home, I slept. And slept. And slept. Woke up, drank some soda, vomited. Slept.
Slept through the entire night. And here I am. I feel alive for the first time. Today is the start. I'm going to do my best to look beyond the fact that the past week or so has been a complete disaster and that my feelings went completely unnoticed and are still waiting to be nurtured.
I have always held people in such high esteem and fallen in love with how I think people should be, so when things begin to crack they crumble and I'm the one left disappointed. Well, not any more! Things are going to be different. They aren't going to change, really. But I have the power to make things different. I want to feel alive forever.

I'm going to spend some hard earned money, focus on my art,relish in the sunshine and wait for the world to surprise me.